There Isn’t Time to Make Guacamole
A rumination on mashed avocados and a delightful reminder that anyone can cook.
Look, I’ll be the first to admit there are probably better people to teach you how to make guacamole: I’m a random white Jewish guy on the internet who has no cultural connection to mashed avocados other than the fact that I enjoy food, especially food that I can dip a tortilla chip into. But, I’m also a big believer that one of the beautiful things about cooking is that it’s an open and creative medium: sure, we might have ancestral ties to a particular type of cuisine, but that shouldn’t limit us in what we try to make. Go out there and follow your heart. Want to make matzo ball soup? Sounds delicious! Want to ferment kimchi? Here’s a jar, my friend!
As, Gusteau said much more eloquently in the seminal Pixar film, Ratatouille, “anyone can cook.”
All this to say, I’ve been making guacamole for awhile now; so much so that I just outright refuse to buy store bought versions of it. This isn’t purely for snobbish reasons (though, yeah, I can be a food snob on occasion). Rather, fresh made guacamole just tastes better (like tomato sauce), and despite the time required to prepare, it’s going to taste infinitely better than a dip you purchased where you need to peel off plastic film.
In looking at recipes for guac online at “legitimate” sources, I was surprised by how many of these recipes seem to get it wrong (*coughs* New York Times *coughs*). A lot of these recipes try over complicate things (peas? Are we being serious?), or perhaps even worse, over simplify. Guacamole without lime juice? GTFO, my good dude!
Obviously, the key to good guacamole is ripe avocados. And, without commenting on the political divisiveness that now comes with products sourced from other countries, suffice it to say, in order to make good guacamole you need ripe, soft avocados. Unless you live in Southern California, most likely, these are not coming from your local produce stand.
So, without further adieu, let’s make guacamole people! Make your Aztec ancestors proud! Or, if it’s coming from someone like me, make everyone at the neighborhood potluck your new best friend.
Simple Guacamole
2 to 3 ripe avocados
Half a red onion, diced
Two cloves of garlic, minced
Half a jalapeño or serrano pepper seeded and diced (optional if you don't’ like spice. Be sure to use a medical glove to cut…you’ll look dumb, but it’s for the best, I swear).
1tsp cumin
1 tsp paprika
1tsp salt
Juice of one lime
2 tablespoons cilantro leaves, chopped (if you’re one of those “cilantro tastes like soap people”, obviously, leave this out. Also, I’m so sorry).
First, learn how to cut an avocado. Don’t be embarrassed if you don’t know how. I remember attempting to “open” an avocado like peeing an orange once. We learn by doing!
Once your avocado is split and the pit is removed, scoop out the insides (the mesocarp!) into a medium sized bowl. Use a bigger bowl than you think you’ll need. Major life tip: always use a bigger bowl than you think you’ll need. This is my mantra.
Then, mash the avocado with a fork until it starts to have a paste-like consistency. Your avocados should be so ripe/soft that this is a very easy process.
Add the diced red onion, the minced garlic, and diced jalapeño (if using).
Then, sprinkle in the spices (cumin, paprika, salt). I realize that paprika is potentially sacrilegious here, but I’d argue that paprika is a magic spice that can essentially be added to anything and make it better. It also gives the guac a smidge of color.
At this point, taste it and see if it needs more salt. I start at 1tsp, but adjust to your tolerance.
Add lime juice and mix it altogether so ingredients are evenly distributed.
Finally, as a pièce de résistance, sprinkle on the chopped cilantro (again, apologies to the cilantro soap people…you have my sympathy).
And, there you have it: perfect guacamole. The crunch of the red onion is a vitally important addition and should not be skipped.
Random Guac Thoughts:
Should you put tomatoes in you guac? That’s a no from me dawg…tomatoes are for salsa. But, also I’m not going to tell you how to live your life. You do you.
Which tortilla chips should I buy? The key to a good store bought chip is finding the holy trinity combination of “texture, taste, and salt level.”I obviously haven’t tried all the brands, but Tostitos are bad and should be avoided (what is this? A Super Bowl party circa 1999?). Late July and Green Mountain Gringo are solid premium buys. If you’re on a budget, Aldi’s store brand tortilla chips are quite good. For some weird reason, Trader Joe’s tortilla chips suck. Also, any chip with added fake flavoring (like lime dust) is bad.
What are your thoughts on avocado toast? It’s great (and I’m not just saying that because I’m a millennial and can’t afford to buy a house)! One of the best things about making fresh guac is waking up the next morning and having avocado toast with the leftovers. I like to toast the bread first, spread on the guac, sprinkle on some cheese, and then put it back into the toaster over to make things crisp and melty. Simple pleasures, folks.
Guacamole is a condiment, dang it! This one might seem obvious, but guacamole shouldn’t be boxed into the chip and dip genre . As the aforementioned application in avocado toast suggests, guac is a versatile condiment and should be treated as such. I love to pair it with my morning egg sandwiches. It’s also great on veggie burgers.
So, go forth my avocado-loving brethren! Make kitchen magic! Remember, anyone can cook…even if you might not have time for it.